calling all marriages...

boredom got you feeling blue? it sure does  happen to a lot  if not most of us ‘married folk’. trying to recall the advice i was given prior to being married, “marriage is hard work” ah-ha! that’s it. marriage is work.

left and right i tell ya! i have been hearing about this person and that person getting divorced and not just in the tabloids, in my own circle of friends. what is the deal ? “just not in love  anymore”  so the box is checked: ‘irreconcilable differences’. but what exactly constitutes an ‘irreconcilable difference? infidelity? sure, i can sympathize heavily. physical, mental, emotional, sexual abuse…my heart sincerely goes out to you! drug and alcohol abuse,  i can understand. falling out of love ‘just because’….now that is a so-called “irreconcilable difference” that i have a hard time swallowing. really hard time.

so what, you grew ‘bored’ in your marriage, what did you do about it?  how much effort did you really put forth?’ so you’re convinced you’ve fallen out of love  but how do you know that it’s impossible to fall back in love? it’s irreconcilable eh?  here’s where…well, i’m just gonna say it, if you can’t sense my pent up tension over this subject, we become selfish in our marriages. sometimes both people, other times just one, but that’s all it takes in the end. one person in the marriage who has ‘made up their mind’ and is entirely unwilling to try anymore. they say, “he/she will thank me down the road when they find happiness with someone else”. so our selfish act of quitting miraculously becomes a selfless act and voila! we can sleep better at night right?

if i’ve already offended you, i’m terribly sorry, but now might be a good time to stop reading. or keep reading. i do have a lot to say about divorce mainly because i was so affected by it as a child. but one of my favorite phrases has always been “where there’s a will, there’s a way”. i love that it applies to everything, especially relationships and broken or bored marriages since we’re on the topic. where there’s a will, there’s a way. so let’s will ourselves to be willing if need be and hopefully the ‘selfish’ will collectively fade. we have to fight for our marriages in today’s culture and the marriages of those around us.

many of  us weren’t raised to regard marriage as a sacred covenant. something to protect and guard. so what happens to too many of us? we end up seeing marriage through the eyes of society, this world, rather than through the eyes of the artist, the maker, the creator of marriage Himself, God. vows become mere words and the ‘marriage’ part of it boils down to nothing more than a fabulous wedding celebration and a“piece of  paper” wow! how we love using that phrase right? i hear it way too much; marriage; “it’s just a piece of paper”. and with the exception of bigger things involved. i.e. houses, cars, assets etc., divorce has now taken its seat next to “just another break up” rather than the true tragedy it is. thank God when children are not involved (as in no kids or simply too young to remember). nonetheless divorce is painful. maybe you’ve already been through one. you know more than anyone. sometimes we make mistakes in our wishful thinking for someone to change or fantasies about what marriage will be like. reality hits hard like a Big B**** and we wake up realizing what the real picture looks like.

ok, so i’ve been married a year, what do i know right? well, i know that after an overall nine year history with someone prior to marriage, boredom simply happens at times. "but Naomi, he’s amazing!" ...ya i know!  he’s everything i will ever need in a man and i am blessed beyond measure to have such a wonderful husband. but does it mean he’s the last person on the face of the earth that i’m gonna be attracted to? most likely not. will i ever meet other people i (not looking for it) discover a natural chemistry with? sure. it happens. this is reality. but will i entertain it when it happens? and dare i say dream of hurting him or threatening the well being of our precious marriage!? … not a chance!  i proudly chose one man, and in sickness and health, for better, for worse i will choose to love him as he deserves to be loved. so what do i know? i know that in marriage, we need to be realistic, especially going into it. we are not going to wake up every morning with those nervous butterflies and crazy-in-love feelings of heightened euphoria. more than anything we can feel we have choices to make and ‘Love’ is no exception. more than just a wonderful feeling, Love is a choice. Love is an action. to truly love our spouse is to ‘choose’ loving them even when it’s hard to. it’s choosing to speak their love-language and it’s doing [action] selfless acts of love and services for them, especially when it feels like work and we don’t want to. rewards come as the love then starts to grow deeper, reciprocated, and more meaningful.

loving our spouse is not quitting on them when we’ve “lost attraction” to them…or  just “fell out of love”. loving our spouse is acknowledging these things either have or can creep into the marriage and expressing a willingness to work through it together, to do what it takes to kick it to the curb. when we start feeling that ‘boredom’ let’s ask ourselves and our significant other what’s lacking lately? time together? romance? intimacy? i’m a firm believer that boredom in a relationship starts with a lack of quality time together. so making it a  #1. numero uno priority to carve out that time is vital to the survival and success of our marriages. when intimate conversations become scarce, usually the bedroom intimacy does too. eek. right!? no fun for anyone! emotionally disconnected. feelings of insecurity. living under the same roof and yet so much distance in between you? ok, let’s talk solutions.

more time= more talk =more emotional intimacy= more selfless acts of love for the other= more time in the bedroom. there you have it!  do these “more”  things and sit back...don’t be surprised when you’re falling back in love once again.  “he’s not the romantic type” you say and you’re desperate for it. a lot of men simply aren’t.  so BE what you want him to be if you need romance. take the rains girlfriend!!! he’ll be eating out of the palm of your hand. i always say a little spice is nice when he’s least expecting it!

i was feeling a little ‘spicy’ last night. decided i was going to surprise David and cook up a mean dish, turn off the lights, light the candles, turn on Pandora-Brian McKnight station:),  throw on some lingerie, glass of wine in hand, open bottle on the table…was ready just in time for him to walk through the door after a hard day at work- with a wide, surprised smile as he looked me up and down and said “well Helloooo”. i kissed him in the doorway like it was the last time i’d ever see him.

let’s just say we barely made it to the table to eat dinner..and that was giving a little ‘boredom’ a nice swift kick in the arse! boredom; it’s gonna happen. i think most people married longer than a year figure that out. but when it comes, we need to take guard, gear up, and throw em’ up. let’s not give up on our marriages. instead let’s protect them. the grass may seem greener in those dull moments but something so amazing happens to the couple that makes it all the way. i look at my own grandparents as shining examples. they still cuddle and hold hands after 55 years. and my wonderful inlaws, 35 years. i want that! hubby and i laughed and talked all night listening to some classics…him singing along of course. when i teased him about sounding like a cross between a little girl and a hound dog he proved himself (former high-school choir voice and all) with a nice baritone rendition of Blackstreet’s “don’t leave me”…how i love these nights when we fall harder in love and deeper into each other’s hearts.

i only encourage that we collectively take a stand for marriage as it was intended to be by God. if you’re reading this post and you’re facing the big question of 'Divorce', please think long and hard about your reasons and look deep within before giving up the fight. turn over your problems and insecurities in your marriage to Him, the Creator of Love and trust that He has a plan for your marriage if only you are willing to let Him work...

where there’s a will, there’s always a way!

Lots of Love,

Naomi Rose