catching the curve ball...

a task that none of us ‘hope’ to be faced with in life but it happens…and why? for those of us who have placed all our hope and trust in God’s promises to us, why does He allow these curve balls that come so fast and knock us to the ground?

our curve ball was thrown at us yesterday morning with the phone call we’d been anticipating since the thursday prior: “your levels have dropped. you can take another pregnancy test in a week and if it comes back positive, give us a call but most likely it is an unviable pregnancy” …‘miscarriage’  a ‘small’ word better described (in my opinion) as a ‘dagger to the chest’. i hung up the phone and wasted no time being sad. in that moment i wasn’t sad, i was mad and just like that unleashed on Him…

“WHY God? YOU SPOKE TO ME!!! YOU told me everything was going to be ok…YOU told me i was pregnant in the first place...YOU told me You had given me a son, Isaiah. YOU told me to 'raise Him well' in Your Word, that 'he will have much to say to the world'. those were YOUR words…so WHY?  WHY would you take him away!? i’m angry! YOU could have done something if you wanted to! WHY would you speak to me like this, get my hopes up for this little boy, all for nothing…You KNOW that i loved him the moment his name fell heavy on my heart. i envisioned him playing with Hannah... and his face so clearly, he looked like me… i felt his soul with me before You placed him in my womb… i praised You God... i gave thanks to Your unfailing promise. my faith was deeper in that moment, knowing that it was Your Voice that spoke to me all along, but WHAT NOW? You said ‘I love you Naomi’ You gave him to me and then took him away …..why!? WHY GOD!??

after a ten minute wrestling match in which i may have dominated the conversation, i demanded of Him: “SPEAK TO ME; WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF GOD!? i suppose He couldn’t answer the question with all my yelling over His voice over and over again: “DON’T STAY QUIET NOW, SPEAK TO ME!!!”

like magic, my anger had suddenly subsided and my heart was just broken. i’d felt a rush of vulnerability and was willing to truly listen to Him. within moments i’d heard His still small whisper in my ear: 'My Heart mourns with yours’ which was all it took to leave me sobbing like a baby in His arms. He reminded me of all the things he’d brought to my attention and had spoken to me over the weekend leading up to the call.  

but before getting into all that and for those of you reading who are not one of the friends or family members we told right away, you may be wondering, were we trying to conceive? no. in fact we were on our own timeline waiting until Hannah would be a year and half or two before trying again. in addition to ‘thinking’ we had been pretty careful, at this point, i was still nursing through the night—which ‘they say’ lessens your chances of conceiving, right! in addition to these things i hadn’t had a menstrual cycle since being pregnant with Hannah, but God had started speaking to me.

 it was just a few days before labor day weekend when i first had the thought go through my head that we were going to get pregnant before we were even trying and somehow ‘knew’ it would be a boy. sure enough, days later on labor day, my cousin/sweet friend who i adore more than anything (currently pregnant with their first)  had come over with her husband and said to me: “i had a dream last night that you were pregnant and you told me you were having a boy”. as the words left her mouth, i had been covered in chills from head to toe, and no it was not cold in the house :)  i stared at her intently for a moment before saying “i don’t know what to make of that” as i had literally just been given the thought of these things days before.

well, fast forward a month to the night we had conceived (not trying and being as careful as we ever had before) i distinctly remember hearing the voice, though not audible; ‘you have conceived’. about a week and a half later while nursing Hannah to sleep i felt something going on in my body and just ‘knew’ in that moment as the name Isaiah fell so heavy on my heart and (simultaneously) the instruction to “raise him well in My Word (i.e. ‘Jesus’), for he will have much to say to the world” had gone through my mind with a force. it sounded too beautiful to be my own thoughts, my own words, and i began crying as i stared at Hannah happily and peacefully nursing away. i whispered to her for the first time; “you’re going to have a baby brother”. i looked up the meaning of the name Isaiah (which by the way was not a name we had ever been pining over, much like Hannah’s name with her story, as prior to this we hadn’t even been talking about another baby) and i read “God is Salvation” i began to cry tears of joy again with an assured peace that this was from Him and in that moment i began to envision his entire life with a clear picture of his face in my mind.

i told David that i knew i was pregnant and well, let’s just say; he didn’t believe it. for over a week and a half as one pregnancy test after another had come back negative he kept saying: ‘it’s more than likely just your ‘big one’ coming on’ (i.e. ‘Aunt Flow’). still, i didn’t waver. i was as sure as i had been with Hannah of what God spoke to me and for nearly two weeks prior to finally getting that ‘positive’ i would rub my belly, laugh and jokingly whisper in her ear 9loud enough for hubby to hear of course)“baby brother is in there”. then sure enough, i had taken the clear blue test (with weeks estimator) and cried tears of joy to read ‘pregnant: 1-2 weeks’. David was working from home that day so Hannah and i wrapped up the stick and put it in a blue gift bag with a note that said “daddy, you can believe mommy now. i’m coming and can’t wait to meet you” and  of course, daddy was over the moon with shock and excitement as he looked up, smiled at me and said: “you were right”

we spent a week in pregnancy bliss before this past thursday morning, the day i started bleeding. i knew enough to know that bleeding is common in 50% of normal pregnancies and for many women, that first period still arrives in early pregnancy, so i did my best not to worry. i called my doctor and they had me come in to draw blood in order to see where my hcg and progesterone levels were. the bleeding picked up and continued on through the night. come Friday morning, as i was still bleeding though not quite as heavy as the day prior, i texted a friend of mine who had been through a miscarriage after her first daughter and prior to their sweet baby boy. everything that i was feeling and going through (bleeding like a normal period without any major cramping or pain) she confirmed she’d gone through the exact same thing before finding out she had miscarried, but also reassured me that another friend of ours had gone through the same (bled throughout most of her first trimester) and had an otherwise perfectly normal, successful pregnancy.

still i couldn’t help but ‘go there’ in my mind. i realize now it was a blessing to be able to wrap my head around a ‘possible’ miscarriage at that point as it propelled me into a deeper dependence on Him. i had a break down, perhaps because it was the first time i felt that a m/c could be in our cards. David was home and came out of the office to hold me once he realized i’d been crying. he said to me “whatever happens, it’s going to be ok”. i put Hannah down for a nap and went to my room to get myself ready for the day as i broke down once again and began to pray for peace. God brought to memory a conversation i’d had with him months prior when a close friend of mine was battling a rare cancer, another woman in my women’s study had also been battling brain cancer, my sister-in-law at the time was bed-ridden due to chronic back problems…i felt as though i had been given so much. i was simply overwhelmed with sadness for them, inspiration by them in the ways each one of them were handling their ‘curve-balls’, and i said to God: “my life is too good to be true. give me something to challenge my faith  that it would prove genuine and unwavering—if it be Your will,  leave me helpless so that i would experience a complete dependence on You, and through it Lord, that i would know Your peace and grow stronger in You’.

i should preface here that although i can’t say i was really hoping for a hardship, i prayed the prayer nonetheless in humble gratitude for all that He’d blessed me with in life—my health, my happiness and far more than i could possibly want or need in one incredibly devoted and loving husband and a beautiful, healthy, spirited baby girl.

just as the memory of this conversation with Him came to mind, a text message came in from my sweet sister-in-law as God wasn’t done speaking to me. knowing the situation, she texted me the verses Matthew 11:28 ‘Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest’ and John 16:33 ‘i have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world’. with that, i let out a silent wailing as i knew what He was teaching me through it all. in that moment, i understood that if this was a miscarriage in the works, then it would make sense for me to be that much more attached to this ‘little boy’ who He had named already, ‘Isaiah’ as a name and a gender is all it takes to imagine everything to come. i knew that the pain of losing him would thrust me into a state of total reliance on my faith in Christ. i knew that He wanted me to experience a peace in spite of what may come in the near future. He reminded me of Matthew 6:34 ‘don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.’

as you can imagine, especially if you’ve been in a similar situation where you are waiting on the results of a test, you know that ‘worry’ can be our greatest enemy as we allow ourselves to feel defeated before we even know the outcome. here i was ‘waiting’ for the results of my first blood test and anticipating the next blood draw the following day (Saturday) which would be the only way to know what was going on. in a normal pregnancy a woman’s hcg levels should double, from wherever they start, every 48 hours and there would be no way to know if they had until the results of the second blood test were in.

 i finished getting ready and with Hannah still asleep, figured it would be a better time than ever to spend some quiet time with God and delve into His Word. it should have come as no surprise that i just happened to open up The Bible directly to ‘The Prayer of Faith’ in the last chapter of James before Peter begins. James 5:  ¹³ Is anyone among you in trouble? Let them pray. Is anyone happy? Let them sing songs of praise.¹⁴ Is anyone among you sick? Let them call the elders of the church to pray over them and anoint them with oil in the name of the Lord. ¹⁵ And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise them up. If they have sinned, they will be forgiven. ¹⁶ Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.

i continued on into 1 Peter ‘Praise to God for a Living Hope’ ³ Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, ⁴ and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. This inheritance is kept in heaven for you, ⁵ who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. ⁶ In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. ⁷ These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. ⁸ Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, ⁹ for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

as if i hadn’t sobbed enough at this point, there i was again at His feet thanking Him for His gift of Hope and Salvation in Him as His Peace washed over me. i decided in that moment that i wasn’t going to worry about the result of the test. i knew that it was a ‘hope for the best, expect the worst’ type of situation that i could only do so much to prepare myself for, but ultimately i needed to accept His gift of Peace in the meantime. as His Word says ‘the prayers of the saints are like incense’ to His Heart, i knew that He’d been answering all the prayers that had gone out for us b/c i felt such an overwhelming sense of peace the entire weekend that i could not have otherwise explained or understood myself. that was His Grace.

after Hannah woke up, we met my friend for lunch which was comforting, given she’d been through the same thing and could understand exactly where i was at with it. she even said ‘if this is a m/c in the works, we can count our lucky stars that we weren’t any further along’ as she went on to tell me about her sister’s miscarriage. she had been nearly 9 weeks along when she started cramping and bleeding profusely in the shower, crying as she pulled out of her body all sorts of tissue and what not. my heart broke for her and still breaks for every woman who has been in a far worse scenario than i have. i am counting my blessings.

bringing this full circle to yesterday morning as i unleashed my anger on God before settling into His loving arms, he reminded me of the entire weekend and of this conversation with my friend. i cried out in prayer for all the women who have faced a miscarriage and are currently experiencing one, especially those who are even further along than where ours ended. i lifted up all the babies who haven’t made it full term—all the still births and all the mothers and fathers grieving their losses. as i allowed myself to mourn my own loss, i thanked God for answering all the prayers that went out for us. i thanked Him that He allowed a miscarriage to happen to us, knowing that through it i was and still am experiencing the transcending Peace that He promises in His Word. i thanked Him for going to the cross and bearing the greatest pain of all. i thanked Him for overcoming the world, so that by His Holy Spirit, i may live in His Peace no matter what hardships i face. i thanked Him for allowing me to share in His suffering if only for a short time that my character would be challenged and strengthened; that my faith in Him would be found genuine. i prayed to feel showered in His Love, His Grace, and His Presence and that is exactly what He has given me. once Hannah was down for her morning nap, David came in the room and held me as i sobbed, surrendering in my heart all these things to God.

i don’t believe it was coincidence that of all days David decided to take off this week, as he has been slammed at work for the past two weeks, it was yesterday. prior to us knowing that any of this was going to happen, his boss had told him he should take Monday off and spend time with us. that i know was the working of The Holy Spirit. we took Hannah to her 9 month check up, followed by lunch, the park and grocery shopping then FaceTime with Mimi, Grandad, auntie Jules, and cousin Tyson. after Hannah went down to bed, the hubby and i enjoyed take out Mexican and a movie—you better believe we watched our favorite childhood movie ‘The Little Mermaid’ on BluRay :) it was the perfect family day full of laughs and SO much gratitude for our sweet, healthy, happy, loving baby girl who continues to overwhelm our world with Heavenly Joy.

i think about a number of ‘facts’ for lack of a better word that surround miscarriages; one being how common they are. David said to me, ‘if you hadn’t felt such a strong sense from God about this and if you weren’t so in tune with your body, you may have never even known’. i can imagine that is common for many women who may experience what i went through and just assumed they had a normal period. for those women, i believe it’s evidence of God’s Grace. another peace of mind to settle with is that the majority of the time a miscarriage is not the result of stress or any other factor than ‘something just wasn’t right’ as they say. it’s typically a chromosomal abnormality or ineffective attachment meaning even if the baby had continued to develop close to full term, they’d likely be born with severe problems. again, i can only say that i believe this is God’s grace.

all that said, it doesn’t change the fact that God gives Life and Life is meant to Live whether here on earth or in Heaven with Him. He has a plan for you, for me, for all of us. where our understanding is limited by human boundaries, He sees ALL that lies ahead. hindsight is 20/20 so i know that even if i don’t entirely understand right now why He allowed this to happen, there will come a day when i look back on this and it will make sense so long as i continue to place my hope and trust in His unfailing Love for me. as for Isaiah, while there’s no way for me to ‘prove’ to you that he was in there, in my heart of hearts i believe that he was and i asked him to come back to us and stay with us in another pregnancy. i prayed God’s will in the matter so if it never happens, i can only look forward to meeting his soul in Heaven one day. whatever the future may hold, Isaiah will always live in my heart.

until the time is right to try for another baby, we are so fulfilled with the beautiful  blessing that God has already given us. my heart is full of joy to be able to give Hannah, our sweet ‘Grace of God’, my undivided attention and devotion until He decides that she is ready to be a big sister. i am sustained by his Presence in our lives and thankful for this hardship and any more to come as He sees fit, knowing that through it all He will never leave, nor forsake me. He is the reason that i have been empowered and strengthened to catch this curve-ball in stride and surrender it to Him. i give Him all the glory. He alone has turned my sorrow to joy and my heart rests in the promise of Isaiah 40:31.

until next time...

'Family’; such a small word that holds within it so much dynamic, value, history, and meaning. My sister and her ‘family’ came out from Austin to stay with us and after a fun-filled 4^th of July and eight days of non-stop laughter it was time to say: ‘until next time’ since saying ‘good bye’ is a ‘no, no’. Nonetheless, as I dropped them off at the airport yesterday a big piece of my heart left with them. I could instantly taste the bitter sweet flavor of vacation-staycation come to an end. It’s in the readiness to return to the routine of things while desperately wishing you can hold on and stretch the time together just a ‘little’ longer. These last eight days however crazy and exhausting at times playing hostess, have also been incredible if only because of my incredible family.

With seven years between us and two very different journeys in life, my sister and I never dreamed that we’d be raising children together. All week long as I watched Hannah observe and ‘talk’ to her cousin Brylynn who is just one month older, my heart couldn’t stop melting. If there was a list of ‘cutest things in the entire world’ I’m pretty sure my baby and beautiful little niece staring at each other, laughing, and babbling to one another would be at the very top of that list. Their personalities are amazingly unique and tailor-made for this growing family of ours. God knew what He was doing when He sent their two beautiful souls to us and I cannot wait for every visit ahead as they grow up and develop the same special bond their mommies share.

And my oldest niece Mariah, who is now fifteen years old and wise beyond my comprehension…well, I’ll just say I never could’ve imagined thirteen years ago when she was just a toddler asking for ‘Blues Clues’ and apple juice, that we would be friends one day. She is too cool for school-- in the best possible way with the most twisted, at times disturbing, sense of humor. You simply cannot help but laugh at everything even when you think you probably shouldn’t. She is so funny and such a unique, quirky, beautiful, smart, and wholesome young woman who I grow more in awe of with every passing year. This family of ours would not be complete without her candid, off the wall, and witty contributions.

And my nephew Derrick; the sweetest little ten-year old you’ll ever meet. If there’s an insect or fly issue to be worked out, you better believe this boy is the first one to jump up and investigate the scene. And where there are babies; have no fear when Der Bear is near! He is quick to his feet when it comes time to help or play with them. He’s a wonderful big brother and a wonderful big cousin. Watching him grow up over the past seven years since my sister adopted him has been such a joy. I just cannot imagine a life without the sweet flavor he adds to it. He was always meant to be a part of this family.

Cody; the extra cool brother-in-law and fellow Taurus who I increasingly grow more and more fond of as we get to know each other better. In many ways we are so characteristically similar and like-minded. He’s easy going and easy to talk to, not to mention ‘on it’ when it comes to solving a problem. His intriguing knowledge about random things made me see how incredibly smart he is too. He’s a wonderful dad not only to Brylynn (his own biological child) but to Mariah and Derrick as well. He has been the only true father that either one of them has ever had and I couldn’t thank God enough for bringing him and my sister together. He was but one more ‘missing piece’ to the puzzle of our family and we’re all so thankful he was ‘found’. Again, God knew what He was doing.

And my sister; where do I even begin? The two of us…the ones with the babies of course…stayed up every night talking up a storm until we were down to the wire on time together. What did we do on the very last night when we were both beyond drained and exhausted you ask? I’ll tell you. WE. RALLIED. ON. like ROCKSTARS and marching soldiers at two in the morning! ‘Night cap’ in hand and deep, insightful conversations about balance, Life and God’s place in the center of it all; we were in our very own heaven on earth playing the “What if” game rather than the “I believe” game. “What if … _____?” I’ll just say it; YES, you wish you were there with us :) It was in the stillness of these nights and the comfort of her company and conversation that I realized how truly blessed I am to have been born into this family. Our souls all united and reflecting the beauty of unique family bonds.

Of course a family staycation wouldn’t be complete without the local siblings. It had been so long since the four of us: Davina, Ben, Josiah, and myself have been able to sit around a table together playing poker and rummy, to be joined by the husbands and [insert] lose to ‘The Queen’ Davina herself almost every time. The house was full of laughter as we took turns playing our hands and recalling childhood memories. It was in the simplicity of ‘being’ together that felt so reminiscent of our days growing up in the quirky and absurd family that we had. And if ever a moment of silence fell upon us, ‘Salad Fingers’ was sure to be lurking around in the shadows ready at any given moment to bring back the noise. There was also more sister bonding time with Olivia as Davina and I got to hang out with her one night in a midnight session of living-room yoga; dim lights, music and all. It was a new experience for all of us and a memory that we will always have. So often throughout the week my heart grew overjoyed to the point of explosion for all of the blessings and it was in those moments that I silently thanked God.

Life is a journey. It ‘ain’t about how fast I get there’ ‘it ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side’ it’s ‘all about the climb’ as Miley Cyrus would say :) I’m so happy that I’ve had the pleasure of ‘climbing’ through life in all of its crazy pages, chapters, twists and turns with My Family Clan. There’s nothing in the world like the Love of family growing ever deeper and wider as God’s prints grow more visible within it. As this family expands so too will that LoVe. I hold these last eight days in my heart forever ‘until next time’ with anticipation for every new memory as we create our ‘family history’ every day...I am blessed.

Dear Hannah...

Sweet and perfect gift from God,

As I stare at the video monitor watching you sleep so peacefully in your crib, I can’t help but think: how on earth did I get so lucky to have you? Today you are five months and twelve days old. It’s amazing how fast time has flown since we first brought you home from the hospital. I have hung on to every moment with you, all the while wondering how life could be any sweeter than it has been since you arrived. I stare at you with pride, with hope, with a fierce protectiveness---the Mama Bear in me will come out should anyone ever so much as attempt to harm you. You mean so much more to me then I could express or convey with words. To say I’m mildly obsessed with you is putting it lightly. I’d like to believe it’s a healthy obsession though. I look at you; a sweet, sweet angel I get to call my own and I see ‘perfection’ at its finest. I look at you with intense and humble gratitude knowing that the blessing of you has come from the Love of our Father out of His perfectly Divine grace. The miracle of life; that I carried you in my womb as you formed and developed, still stuns me. I look at you and sometimes struggle to grasp it all. It is with awe-struck wonder that I wonder how something so marvelous, so angelic, and perfect could come from heaven and out of my own womb. It can only be summarized as one of God’s many mysteries of Love as He intended it to be when He created it.

I look at you and in your eyes already see so much determination. I see a drive in you even as an infant that leaves me wondering about all the things you are going to achieve and accomplish in your life. I wonder about the things that go through your mind right now as you are unable to convey them in words. I can’t help but wonder how much you will have to say when you can.  If there is one thing I’m sure of, you have the determination of a ‘go-getter’ and you will always get what you want in life. I just know it. The drive is in your soul; through your eyes Hannah, I look deep into your soul and it tells me a story. Your eyes possess a wise curiosity which only reinforces my intuition about you. You are an old soul, I am sure of it and your personality; well where to begin? 

You’re spunky and playful, silly with your noises, and stubborn when you want something. You’ve already mastered the high-pitched scream and fake cry and boy do you demand attention when you’re yelling at us. It is the funniest thing when you close your eyes tight and then open them again; the tears don’t come so you just keep on yelling, trying to make yourself cry. You are a miniature drama queen. Oh Lord, help me! But you are also the happiest baby in the world and for that I am so grateful. You always have a smile on your face. You’re friendly with strangers. You love to watch people and you’re just as laid back as you are wild at heart. You are a bright ray of sunshine every morning that I go and get you from your crib. You smile back at me and flail your arms and legs in excitement and my heart simply melts. I fall more in love with you every day and then wonder how that is even possible.

I will promise you this much Hannah; I will never ever stop loving you. I look at you and feel as though God has bestowed on me the greatest honor and blessing in life.  I look into your eyes and feel our souls reflect one another with the same sense of curiosity and expectancy. I’m thrilled that we are now and will continue to venture through this life together; learning from one another and teaching each other as we go. I hope the process of that will never end. I can tell you this much; you have already taught me so much even as tiny as you are now. I look forward to raising you every day for as long as the honor is mine, realizing that every moment in and of itself is a gift from God and ultimately out of our control. Especially now that you are in it, I don’t take one single moment of this life for granted.

Hannah, I look at you and see my purpose in life now and forever; a mother; a parent with the responsibility of loving you and raising you in the Truth and Light of God. May He bestow on me the wisdom in proper love and discipline through all the decisions we must make for you before you are old enough to make them for yourself.  I pray that I will make the best choices possible and lovingly guide you along as you grow up and begin to ask questions. May God always give me the discernment and patience for you that His Love demands. For you Hannah, I have prayed that you also would be ever-anointed with wisdom and discernment. I pray that you will always experience the richness of God’s love for you. When I look at you, I know God on a deeper level and understand His love now more than ever before. I never knew until you arrived, that I could love something so passionately and every day my love for you only gets stronger. This kind of love, again, can only be summarized as one of God’s miracles. We are both His children and I hope you come to understand that He will be the only one who can ever love you more than I can. That’s a lot.

I will teach you about Jesus and I’ll read you stories and hope that you choose Him; that you will understand His love for you at an early age. I will say that there is no other spiritual ‘master’ who ever walked the earth and died on the cross out of love for mankind. He is as personal as it can ever be and He longs for life-long eternal relationships with all of us. As the Unique Son of God, He was perfected in the love of God as human in flesh and blood and He desires that we might also be perfected in this Ultimate Love. He has given us The Way, The Truth, and The Life in the giving of Himself on the cross, He paid the price of sin for you and me and the entire world.

 Though I may teach you these things with the hope you will choose Him for yourself one day, I will not force Him on you; or any other belief of my own for that matter. I hope and pray that you will never let anyone force on you a legalistic, limited religious view of God. Religion is man-made and God’s love demands so much more. I will teach you that Jesus’ was the ultimate sacrifice of Love and that you may still be His follower while acknowledging that God makes Himself known to different people in different ways.

If aspects of any belief or idea resonate with depth in your soul, never be afraid to open yourself up to it and allow it to become a part of Your Truth. I hope to teach you that we are the sum total of our experiences and most often those experiences determine our faith and views of God and the world. Therefore, what is right for you will not always be right for someone else and vice versa. It is never our job to judge others but to respect people and what they believe even if we don’t agree. This is one of the most invaluable of lessons that I hope you understand very early on.

I pray that you will be free and perfected in the love of Jesus where it is by His perfect love that casts out all fear. 1 John 4:18. May you always explore and discover for yourself who you are and what is right for you. Don’t let fear ever hold you back in your search for Truth and God and always pay attention to your intuition. It is your soul’s attempt at communicating with your mind and body. And since your intuition will be felt in your gut, as the saying goes: never ignore your “gut intuition”. Trust that it will steer you where you need to go in life, faith in the unseen, and love and whenever you are in doubt; pray.

Never cease to remember the power of ‘creative thought’. Be free. Be creative. Live Life to the fullest. Do it loud and proud. Strive to love deeper and more selflessly and there you will experience the Joys of Heaven on earth. Experience the art of ‘silence’ and connecting with God’s glorious creation; it’s everywhere you look. Never get so wrapped up in life that you forget to notice and appreciate it. And experience every last one of Life’s Laughters, for ‘Laughter is the key to happiness’. Love without limits and be open while cautious too. That is an art in and of itself as there may be people you encounter in life who will try to take advantage of you. Always see the good in people before the bad; but trust your better judgment when someone or something doesn’t ‘feel’ right, and know when to walk away. Trust your ‘gut’ in every instance of life and at all costs, don’t ever give up on yourself. Don’t ever tell yourself that you “just can’t do it”. With hard work, determination, a strong will and dependence on God, you can do anything that you set your mind to. Reach for the stars and never forget that if you fall from one, I’ll be there to help you up; to dust you off and cheer you on as you try again or change directions.

I hope you learn early on that trusting a broken heart to God is the only way to get through it. When He is your Hope, He will give you the sight you need to overcome the most difficult tragedies and heartaches that life may throw at you. I hope that if there’s anything you learn from me by the time you are venturing off to college and into the world, that it would be my teaching you how to love God and others with the depths of your heart. May God help me lead you by example knowing that as you discover the love of God Hannah, you will discover everything that is important in life. He is our Creator and loves us with a passion beyond our human comprehension. Even as I write this love letter to you; my perfect and sweet little baby; my child; my daughter who I love so profoundly [to quote the movie ‘Life of Pi’] “and So it goes with God”. Hannah, He will always love you even deeper and no one in life will ever know you better than Him. He knows us better than we even know ourselves.

I can’t make any other promises than the promise to always do my best. In this thing called ‘parenthood’ I humbly acknowledge that I am bound to get a thing or two wrong here and there. I cannot promise you that I will be the perfect mother. I can’t promise you that I am not going to make mistakes because I know that I will. But I will promise you that no matter what, I will always, always, always love you. As you grow up and make choices in this life, no matter how many of them seem like ‘mistakes’ I promise that you will never lose my love and support. You have a purpose in life and only you, through your own will and God’s power and grace can achieve it. I will always do my best to guide you on that path. Always depend on Him and don’t let anyone, not even me, ever hold you back from what you know in your heart is right.

I love you beyond measure Hannah. I look into your eyes and find myself crying tears of joy as you smile back at me. That is where my Heaven will always be my sweet and precious angel...in your eyes.

With All my Love,

Mommy