catching the curve ball...

a task that none of us ‘hope’ to be faced with in life but it happens…and why? for those of us who have placed all our hope and trust in God’s promises to us, why does He allow these curve balls that come so fast and knock us to the ground?

our curve ball was thrown at us yesterday morning with the phone call we’d been anticipating since the thursday prior: “your levels have dropped. you can take another pregnancy test in a week and if it comes back positive, give us a call but most likely it is an unviable pregnancy” …‘miscarriage’  a ‘small’ word better described (in my opinion) as a ‘dagger to the chest’. i hung up the phone and wasted no time being sad. in that moment i wasn’t sad, i was mad and just like that unleashed on Him…

“WHY God? YOU SPOKE TO ME!!! YOU told me everything was going to be ok…YOU told me i was pregnant in the first place...YOU told me You had given me a son, Isaiah. YOU told me to 'raise Him well' in Your Word, that 'he will have much to say to the world'. those were YOUR words…so WHY?  WHY would you take him away!? i’m angry! YOU could have done something if you wanted to! WHY would you speak to me like this, get my hopes up for this little boy, all for nothing…You KNOW that i loved him the moment his name fell heavy on my heart. i envisioned him playing with Hannah... and his face so clearly, he looked like me… i felt his soul with me before You placed him in my womb… i praised You God... i gave thanks to Your unfailing promise. my faith was deeper in that moment, knowing that it was Your Voice that spoke to me all along, but WHAT NOW? You said ‘I love you Naomi’ You gave him to me and then took him away …..why!? WHY GOD!??

after a ten minute wrestling match in which i may have dominated the conversation, i demanded of Him: “SPEAK TO ME; WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF GOD!? i suppose He couldn’t answer the question with all my yelling over His voice over and over again: “DON’T STAY QUIET NOW, SPEAK TO ME!!!”

like magic, my anger had suddenly subsided and my heart was just broken. i’d felt a rush of vulnerability and was willing to truly listen to Him. within moments i’d heard His still small whisper in my ear: 'My Heart mourns with yours’ which was all it took to leave me sobbing like a baby in His arms. He reminded me of all the things he’d brought to my attention and had spoken to me over the weekend leading up to the call.  

but before getting into all that and for those of you reading who are not one of the friends or family members we told right away, you may be wondering, were we trying to conceive? no. in fact we were on our own timeline waiting until Hannah would be a year and half or two before trying again. in addition to ‘thinking’ we had been pretty careful, at this point, i was still nursing through the night—which ‘they say’ lessens your chances of conceiving, right! in addition to these things i hadn’t had a menstrual cycle since being pregnant with Hannah, but God had started speaking to me.

 it was just a few days before labor day weekend when i first had the thought go through my head that we were going to get pregnant before we were even trying and somehow ‘knew’ it would be a boy. sure enough, days later on labor day, my cousin/sweet friend who i adore more than anything (currently pregnant with their first)  had come over with her husband and said to me: “i had a dream last night that you were pregnant and you told me you were having a boy”. as the words left her mouth, i had been covered in chills from head to toe, and no it was not cold in the house :)  i stared at her intently for a moment before saying “i don’t know what to make of that” as i had literally just been given the thought of these things days before.

well, fast forward a month to the night we had conceived (not trying and being as careful as we ever had before) i distinctly remember hearing the voice, though not audible; ‘you have conceived’. about a week and a half later while nursing Hannah to sleep i felt something going on in my body and just ‘knew’ in that moment as the name Isaiah fell so heavy on my heart and (simultaneously) the instruction to “raise him well in My Word (i.e. ‘Jesus’), for he will have much to say to the world” had gone through my mind with a force. it sounded too beautiful to be my own thoughts, my own words, and i began crying as i stared at Hannah happily and peacefully nursing away. i whispered to her for the first time; “you’re going to have a baby brother”. i looked up the meaning of the name Isaiah (which by the way was not a name we had ever been pining over, much like Hannah’s name with her story, as prior to this we hadn’t even been talking about another baby) and i read “God is Salvation” i began to cry tears of joy again with an assured peace that this was from Him and in that moment i began to envision his entire life with a clear picture of his face in my mind.

i told David that i knew i was pregnant and well, let’s just say; he didn’t believe it. for over a week and a half as one pregnancy test after another had come back negative he kept saying: ‘it’s more than likely just your ‘big one’ coming on’ (i.e. ‘Aunt Flow’). still, i didn’t waver. i was as sure as i had been with Hannah of what God spoke to me and for nearly two weeks prior to finally getting that ‘positive’ i would rub my belly, laugh and jokingly whisper in her ear 9loud enough for hubby to hear of course)“baby brother is in there”. then sure enough, i had taken the clear blue test (with weeks estimator) and cried tears of joy to read ‘pregnant: 1-2 weeks’. David was working from home that day so Hannah and i wrapped up the stick and put it in a blue gift bag with a note that said “daddy, you can believe mommy now. i’m coming and can’t wait to meet you” and  of course, daddy was over the moon with shock and excitement as he looked up, smiled at me and said: “you were right”

we spent a week in pregnancy bliss before this past thursday morning, the day i started bleeding. i knew enough to know that bleeding is common in 50% of normal pregnancies and for many women, that first period still arrives in early pregnancy, so i did my best not to worry. i called my doctor and they had me come in to draw blood in order to see where my hcg and progesterone levels were. the bleeding picked up and continued on through the night. come Friday morning, as i was still bleeding though not quite as heavy as the day prior, i texted a friend of mine who had been through a miscarriage after her first daughter and prior to their sweet baby boy. everything that i was feeling and going through (bleeding like a normal period without any major cramping or pain) she confirmed she’d gone through the exact same thing before finding out she had miscarried, but also reassured me that another friend of ours had gone through the same (bled throughout most of her first trimester) and had an otherwise perfectly normal, successful pregnancy.

still i couldn’t help but ‘go there’ in my mind. i realize now it was a blessing to be able to wrap my head around a ‘possible’ miscarriage at that point as it propelled me into a deeper dependence on Him. i had a break down, perhaps because it was the first time i felt that a m/c could be in our cards. David was home and came out of the office to hold me once he realized i’d been crying. he said to me “whatever happens, it’s going to be ok”. i put Hannah down for a nap and went to my room to get myself ready for the day as i broke down once again and began to pray for peace. God brought to memory a conversation i’d had with him months prior when a close friend of mine was battling a rare cancer, another woman in my women’s study had also been battling brain cancer, my sister-in-law at the time was bed-ridden due to chronic back problems…i felt as though i had been given so much. i was simply overwhelmed with sadness for them, inspiration by them in the ways each one of them were handling their ‘curve-balls’, and i said to God: “my life is too good to be true. give me something to challenge my faith  that it would prove genuine and unwavering—if it be Your will,  leave me helpless so that i would experience a complete dependence on You, and through it Lord, that i would know Your peace and grow stronger in You’.

i should preface here that although i can’t say i was really hoping for a hardship, i prayed the prayer nonetheless in humble gratitude for all that He’d blessed me with in life—my health, my happiness and far more than i could possibly want or need in one incredibly devoted and loving husband and a beautiful, healthy, spirited baby girl.

just as the memory of this conversation with Him came to mind, a text message came in from my sweet sister-in-law as God wasn’t done speaking to me. knowing the situation, she texted me the verses Matthew 11:28 ‘Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest’ and John 16:33 ‘i have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world’. with that, i let out a silent wailing as i knew what He was teaching me through it all. in that moment, i understood that if this was a miscarriage in the works, then it would make sense for me to be that much more attached to this ‘little boy’ who He had named already, ‘Isaiah’ as a name and a gender is all it takes to imagine everything to come. i knew that the pain of losing him would thrust me into a state of total reliance on my faith in Christ. i knew that He wanted me to experience a peace in spite of what may come in the near future. He reminded me of Matthew 6:34 ‘don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.’

as you can imagine, especially if you’ve been in a similar situation where you are waiting on the results of a test, you know that ‘worry’ can be our greatest enemy as we allow ourselves to feel defeated before we even know the outcome. here i was ‘waiting’ for the results of my first blood test and anticipating the next blood draw the following day (Saturday) which would be the only way to know what was going on. in a normal pregnancy a woman’s hcg levels should double, from wherever they start, every 48 hours and there would be no way to know if they had until the results of the second blood test were in.

 i finished getting ready and with Hannah still asleep, figured it would be a better time than ever to spend some quiet time with God and delve into His Word. it should have come as no surprise that i just happened to open up The Bible directly to ‘The Prayer of Faith’ in the last chapter of James before Peter begins. James 5:  ¹³ Is anyone among you in trouble? Let them pray. Is anyone happy? Let them sing songs of praise.¹⁴ Is anyone among you sick? Let them call the elders of the church to pray over them and anoint them with oil in the name of the Lord. ¹⁵ And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise them up. If they have sinned, they will be forgiven. ¹⁶ Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.

i continued on into 1 Peter ‘Praise to God for a Living Hope’ ³ Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, ⁴ and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. This inheritance is kept in heaven for you, ⁵ who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. ⁶ In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. ⁷ These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. ⁸ Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, ⁹ for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

as if i hadn’t sobbed enough at this point, there i was again at His feet thanking Him for His gift of Hope and Salvation in Him as His Peace washed over me. i decided in that moment that i wasn’t going to worry about the result of the test. i knew that it was a ‘hope for the best, expect the worst’ type of situation that i could only do so much to prepare myself for, but ultimately i needed to accept His gift of Peace in the meantime. as His Word says ‘the prayers of the saints are like incense’ to His Heart, i knew that He’d been answering all the prayers that had gone out for us b/c i felt such an overwhelming sense of peace the entire weekend that i could not have otherwise explained or understood myself. that was His Grace.

after Hannah woke up, we met my friend for lunch which was comforting, given she’d been through the same thing and could understand exactly where i was at with it. she even said ‘if this is a m/c in the works, we can count our lucky stars that we weren’t any further along’ as she went on to tell me about her sister’s miscarriage. she had been nearly 9 weeks along when she started cramping and bleeding profusely in the shower, crying as she pulled out of her body all sorts of tissue and what not. my heart broke for her and still breaks for every woman who has been in a far worse scenario than i have. i am counting my blessings.

bringing this full circle to yesterday morning as i unleashed my anger on God before settling into His loving arms, he reminded me of the entire weekend and of this conversation with my friend. i cried out in prayer for all the women who have faced a miscarriage and are currently experiencing one, especially those who are even further along than where ours ended. i lifted up all the babies who haven’t made it full term—all the still births and all the mothers and fathers grieving their losses. as i allowed myself to mourn my own loss, i thanked God for answering all the prayers that went out for us. i thanked Him that He allowed a miscarriage to happen to us, knowing that through it i was and still am experiencing the transcending Peace that He promises in His Word. i thanked Him for going to the cross and bearing the greatest pain of all. i thanked Him for overcoming the world, so that by His Holy Spirit, i may live in His Peace no matter what hardships i face. i thanked Him for allowing me to share in His suffering if only for a short time that my character would be challenged and strengthened; that my faith in Him would be found genuine. i prayed to feel showered in His Love, His Grace, and His Presence and that is exactly what He has given me. once Hannah was down for her morning nap, David came in the room and held me as i sobbed, surrendering in my heart all these things to God.

i don’t believe it was coincidence that of all days David decided to take off this week, as he has been slammed at work for the past two weeks, it was yesterday. prior to us knowing that any of this was going to happen, his boss had told him he should take Monday off and spend time with us. that i know was the working of The Holy Spirit. we took Hannah to her 9 month check up, followed by lunch, the park and grocery shopping then FaceTime with Mimi, Grandad, auntie Jules, and cousin Tyson. after Hannah went down to bed, the hubby and i enjoyed take out Mexican and a movie—you better believe we watched our favorite childhood movie ‘The Little Mermaid’ on BluRay :) it was the perfect family day full of laughs and SO much gratitude for our sweet, healthy, happy, loving baby girl who continues to overwhelm our world with Heavenly Joy.

i think about a number of ‘facts’ for lack of a better word that surround miscarriages; one being how common they are. David said to me, ‘if you hadn’t felt such a strong sense from God about this and if you weren’t so in tune with your body, you may have never even known’. i can imagine that is common for many women who may experience what i went through and just assumed they had a normal period. for those women, i believe it’s evidence of God’s Grace. another peace of mind to settle with is that the majority of the time a miscarriage is not the result of stress or any other factor than ‘something just wasn’t right’ as they say. it’s typically a chromosomal abnormality or ineffective attachment meaning even if the baby had continued to develop close to full term, they’d likely be born with severe problems. again, i can only say that i believe this is God’s grace.

all that said, it doesn’t change the fact that God gives Life and Life is meant to Live whether here on earth or in Heaven with Him. He has a plan for you, for me, for all of us. where our understanding is limited by human boundaries, He sees ALL that lies ahead. hindsight is 20/20 so i know that even if i don’t entirely understand right now why He allowed this to happen, there will come a day when i look back on this and it will make sense so long as i continue to place my hope and trust in His unfailing Love for me. as for Isaiah, while there’s no way for me to ‘prove’ to you that he was in there, in my heart of hearts i believe that he was and i asked him to come back to us and stay with us in another pregnancy. i prayed God’s will in the matter so if it never happens, i can only look forward to meeting his soul in Heaven one day. whatever the future may hold, Isaiah will always live in my heart.

until the time is right to try for another baby, we are so fulfilled with the beautiful  blessing that God has already given us. my heart is full of joy to be able to give Hannah, our sweet ‘Grace of God’, my undivided attention and devotion until He decides that she is ready to be a big sister. i am sustained by his Presence in our lives and thankful for this hardship and any more to come as He sees fit, knowing that through it all He will never leave, nor forsake me. He is the reason that i have been empowered and strengthened to catch this curve-ball in stride and surrender it to Him. i give Him all the glory. He alone has turned my sorrow to joy and my heart rests in the promise of Isaiah 40:31.